I'm learning about Father Arsenie Boca right now. He is a character in a book I am reading, Transylvanian Sunrise. I'm awaiting a book by Father Boca, Path to the Kingdom, and sincerely hope I keep myself alive to read it!
As you all know, I feel that EVERYTHING is energy. I sincerely do. I believe that because of that, we have the power to cure, or kill ourselves, and I am worried that I am doing the latter. Could it be darkness trying to derail me? Always, as darkness exists within our very mind, thoughts, ENERGY. We are our own darkness, by relishing within it, them, the dark negative thoughts. And right now, I am very unhappy.
I made a 360 degree change in my life. My self destruction led me to a life as an actual beggar on the street with two toddlers, living, when I was LUCKY, inside a room at the Royan Motel, which had been on the corner of 15th and Valencia in San Francisco. Life, was hell. A true, physical hell (Ironically, life afterwards, after I got sober, and into the suburbs, what I lived through then was a true spiritual hell).
I know HOW I changed, how I began that "trip," and I had wanted to share it with all of you, regardless of your "poison," as the tools ARE THE SAME. However, I fear that no one really wants to know. Society, doesn't truly care. LE, The Establishment, really don't want any of you to get yourselves well. And this, has me in a serious funk which I put myself in, and seemingly cannot bring myself out of.
So, I'm going to make a conscious effort to NOT bring up the past spiritual hell stuff, (of Lancaster County), because the TRUTH is, I walked through that BECAUSE of the grace I had found, which was GOD'S LOVE that I found and FELT after I got myself sober. I felt the pain, hurt, fear, sure, but NEVER ALONE. Never did I want to hurt myself, with tobacco, drugs, etc. while I walked through those trying times 6/2007-6/2014 (weird, I just realized that myself. wonder if I broke a mirror, LOL, I jest....and it was tobacco, I slipped into tobacco use after an incident w my adopted father 7/14 and stopped, last june cold turkey).
So, if I do drop dead, I'm going to let you all know NOW, how I got myself sober. Use it to get YOURSELVES WELL TOO. Whether your poison is random sex, overeating, pharms (physically the most difficult, though not as difficult as having a food addiction), organic "drugs," - natural opiates, cocaine, etc., booze, whatever it may be, these tools WILL work. I PROMISE YOU.
1. If you are harming yourself, you are destroying something GOD made in the likeness of GOD, you are therefore, shitting all over GOD. Now I don't know about you, but I always knew in GOD. I never believed that we had to go through ANYONE to get to GOD and still don't (as I've said here), but I knew GOD was real. My life, even up until then, I knew GOD was real, never doubted it. I had watched GOD work every, single day! And I also knew, GOD gave me more than most, yet I threw it all away. Most importantly, I knew that GOD was real, and yet, I STILL had heroin shot through my veins.
I felt so much shame. I can remember sitting in my room at the Royan Motel, just after Thanksgiving, 1999 and I had bought a journal to write in, as I felt, and still feel that if you write down what it is you need guidance with, help, etc., the angels, spirits can read it to help. I wrote out my 3 goals; to get off heroin, get off the street, and be the mom I always wanted to be, because this, wasn't it.
I can remember crying, looking at those words, that list, listening to the Martha Stewart Show on the TV, remembering the smell of fresh laundry, cut grass, and knowing that THAT was what I wanted for my kids. Not this. I said and felt in my head and heart then at that moment, asking GOD to forgive me for what I have done. That is when I felt this OVERWHELMING sensation of GOD saying, " ****, I've already forgiven you. You need to forgive yourself." I NEEDED TO FORGIVE MYSELF? That was crazy. However, it was that moment, even today looking back, I can still see a window, that became cracked. Just at that mere thought of forgiving myself.
12/01/99 my friend, james came with my two toddlers, and me at around 5:30 am to the sixth street methadone clinic, where I signed up for the program.
So what is the first step into "opening that window, just a crack?" HAVING A ONE ON ONE RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD.
2. HERB. Marijuana, ganja, whatever you want to call it. I smoked herb ONE time when I was using. And you know what happened? I had a moment of clarity. I knew that if LE (law enforcement), etc. came into my place at that moment, I would've lost my kids, for good. So I threw out EVERYTHING. Every tin can, envelope, needle, etc. only to pull them all out from the trash the next morning.
Well, just before I wrote the said list I mentioned above, I had befriended the guy, or he me really, who had opened up the Cannabis Club in between 15 and 16th streets on Mission st. He would let the kids and I hang out in there, sharing with me where the grow houses were within the city, or where they were going (I forget), etc. He told me how he started it in Missouri (which I thought was weird then and now, as it's still illegal there), BUT word on the street was that he was CIA, which of course I told him, because I am an idiot and he Freaked out. NEVERTHELESS, one night, he gave me this drink, it was marijuana in oil form with orange juice. Like all junkies, we think no one knows that we are using, so I was like, "please, I have a high tolerance," L.O.L....I ended up trying to walk to my friend James' house at 24th and mission, + several blocks down. Lord knows how far I made it, I just remember walking sideways, LOL. Someone ended up driving us back to my area, 16th & mission.
SUFFICE TO SAY, I realized, I began this journey, LOVING herb, yet because I was vying for death, I left it behind. And I started using herb again (I didn't become a member of that cannabis club. The guy, I forget his name, said I wouldn't want my name in that database. who the F knows what was going on). THE POINT IS, marijuana helped keep me straight. I smoked from then on too, and being as CA then allowed medicinal marijuana, I was able to get my methadone as "take-homes," which allowed me to get out of there completely, and fly back to a home I had in VT. I was transferred to the methadone clinic in Greenfield, MA, a 2 hour drive each way from my home in Manchester center, vt. They wouldn't let me smoke herb and get take homes, so I stopped smoking herb, yet they never allowed me to get take homes, which then led to my going off 115 milligrams ama. I should have taken years, I did it in a month. However, I just wanted to get off of the dope (I am talking about heroin, methadone, etc), and that was that.
Let me add, and I SWEAR ON MY MOTHER'S GRAVE, driving while on the methadone, I would literally go through towns, and not even realize. That shit IS evil. It took me YEARS to get my central nervous system back to normal. The only way to describe how it felt would be as if red ants were running throughout your veins. And mind you, the day the autopsy report came back for Anna Nicole Smith's son Daniel, two articles down on my Yahoo! news, was an article stating that METHADONE WAS THE #1 LEGALLY PRESCRIBED PAIN RELIEVER BY USA MD'S. Think about that for a moment.
Nonetheless, yes, methadone, helped me get sober and away from my then husband, who to this day isn't sober. However it was truly the HERB which helped me put my head back on straight. Opened my eyes, gave me clarity. 110%.
3. Getting HONEST.
A person CANNOT GET OR BE SOBER, UNLESS THEY ARE HONEST. This is fact. If someone is still a liar, even about little things, and tells you they are sober, they ARE LYING. It just cannot be.
Getting honest also means taking FULL RESPONSIBILITY for what you have done, REGARDLESS of whether or not harm has been done to you. Or, even if someone else had been injecting you (as is often the case). You still wanted it, allowed it, put yourself there. And you certainly aren't the first person to suffer in this life, THUS< it is not an excuse to harm yourself. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY, GET HONEST, to get yourself WELL.
Ok. So, those are my 3 fundamentals of getting oneself well.
Anyway guys, gals.....I'm just letting you all know, "where I am at." I am going to leave you with a prayer Father Arsenie Boca wrote. Please read it. It sure is APT.
pace, Ciao!
Lord Jesus Christ, help me let go of myself today… Morning prayer by Arsenie Boca
Lord Jesus Christ, help me let go of myself today, as I can create great problems from small and insignificant issues, and this way, caring for myself, I will lose You.
As you all know, I feel that EVERYTHING is energy. I sincerely do. I believe that because of that, we have the power to cure, or kill ourselves, and I am worried that I am doing the latter. Could it be darkness trying to derail me? Always, as darkness exists within our very mind, thoughts, ENERGY. We are our own darkness, by relishing within it, them, the dark negative thoughts. And right now, I am very unhappy.
I made a 360 degree change in my life. My self destruction led me to a life as an actual beggar on the street with two toddlers, living, when I was LUCKY, inside a room at the Royan Motel, which had been on the corner of 15th and Valencia in San Francisco. Life, was hell. A true, physical hell (Ironically, life afterwards, after I got sober, and into the suburbs, what I lived through then was a true spiritual hell).
I know HOW I changed, how I began that "trip," and I had wanted to share it with all of you, regardless of your "poison," as the tools ARE THE SAME. However, I fear that no one really wants to know. Society, doesn't truly care. LE, The Establishment, really don't want any of you to get yourselves well. And this, has me in a serious funk which I put myself in, and seemingly cannot bring myself out of.
So, I'm going to make a conscious effort to NOT bring up the past spiritual hell stuff, (of Lancaster County), because the TRUTH is, I walked through that BECAUSE of the grace I had found, which was GOD'S LOVE that I found and FELT after I got myself sober. I felt the pain, hurt, fear, sure, but NEVER ALONE. Never did I want to hurt myself, with tobacco, drugs, etc. while I walked through those trying times 6/2007-6/2014 (weird, I just realized that myself. wonder if I broke a mirror, LOL, I jest....and it was tobacco, I slipped into tobacco use after an incident w my adopted father 7/14 and stopped, last june cold turkey).
So, if I do drop dead, I'm going to let you all know NOW, how I got myself sober. Use it to get YOURSELVES WELL TOO. Whether your poison is random sex, overeating, pharms (physically the most difficult, though not as difficult as having a food addiction), organic "drugs," - natural opiates, cocaine, etc., booze, whatever it may be, these tools WILL work. I PROMISE YOU.
1. If you are harming yourself, you are destroying something GOD made in the likeness of GOD, you are therefore, shitting all over GOD. Now I don't know about you, but I always knew in GOD. I never believed that we had to go through ANYONE to get to GOD and still don't (as I've said here), but I knew GOD was real. My life, even up until then, I knew GOD was real, never doubted it. I had watched GOD work every, single day! And I also knew, GOD gave me more than most, yet I threw it all away. Most importantly, I knew that GOD was real, and yet, I STILL had heroin shot through my veins.
I felt so much shame. I can remember sitting in my room at the Royan Motel, just after Thanksgiving, 1999 and I had bought a journal to write in, as I felt, and still feel that if you write down what it is you need guidance with, help, etc., the angels, spirits can read it to help. I wrote out my 3 goals; to get off heroin, get off the street, and be the mom I always wanted to be, because this, wasn't it.
I can remember crying, looking at those words, that list, listening to the Martha Stewart Show on the TV, remembering the smell of fresh laundry, cut grass, and knowing that THAT was what I wanted for my kids. Not this. I said and felt in my head and heart then at that moment, asking GOD to forgive me for what I have done. That is when I felt this OVERWHELMING sensation of GOD saying, " ****, I've already forgiven you. You need to forgive yourself." I NEEDED TO FORGIVE MYSELF? That was crazy. However, it was that moment, even today looking back, I can still see a window, that became cracked. Just at that mere thought of forgiving myself.
12/01/99 my friend, james came with my two toddlers, and me at around 5:30 am to the sixth street methadone clinic, where I signed up for the program.
So what is the first step into "opening that window, just a crack?" HAVING A ONE ON ONE RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD.
2. HERB. Marijuana, ganja, whatever you want to call it. I smoked herb ONE time when I was using. And you know what happened? I had a moment of clarity. I knew that if LE (law enforcement), etc. came into my place at that moment, I would've lost my kids, for good. So I threw out EVERYTHING. Every tin can, envelope, needle, etc. only to pull them all out from the trash the next morning.
Well, just before I wrote the said list I mentioned above, I had befriended the guy, or he me really, who had opened up the Cannabis Club in between 15 and 16th streets on Mission st. He would let the kids and I hang out in there, sharing with me where the grow houses were within the city, or where they were going (I forget), etc. He told me how he started it in Missouri (which I thought was weird then and now, as it's still illegal there), BUT word on the street was that he was CIA, which of course I told him, because I am an idiot and he Freaked out. NEVERTHELESS, one night, he gave me this drink, it was marijuana in oil form with orange juice. Like all junkies, we think no one knows that we are using, so I was like, "please, I have a high tolerance," L.O.L....I ended up trying to walk to my friend James' house at 24th and mission, + several blocks down. Lord knows how far I made it, I just remember walking sideways, LOL. Someone ended up driving us back to my area, 16th & mission.
SUFFICE TO SAY, I realized, I began this journey, LOVING herb, yet because I was vying for death, I left it behind. And I started using herb again (I didn't become a member of that cannabis club. The guy, I forget his name, said I wouldn't want my name in that database. who the F knows what was going on). THE POINT IS, marijuana helped keep me straight. I smoked from then on too, and being as CA then allowed medicinal marijuana, I was able to get my methadone as "take-homes," which allowed me to get out of there completely, and fly back to a home I had in VT. I was transferred to the methadone clinic in Greenfield, MA, a 2 hour drive each way from my home in Manchester center, vt. They wouldn't let me smoke herb and get take homes, so I stopped smoking herb, yet they never allowed me to get take homes, which then led to my going off 115 milligrams ama. I should have taken years, I did it in a month. However, I just wanted to get off of the dope (I am talking about heroin, methadone, etc), and that was that.
Let me add, and I SWEAR ON MY MOTHER'S GRAVE, driving while on the methadone, I would literally go through towns, and not even realize. That shit IS evil. It took me YEARS to get my central nervous system back to normal. The only way to describe how it felt would be as if red ants were running throughout your veins. And mind you, the day the autopsy report came back for Anna Nicole Smith's son Daniel, two articles down on my Yahoo! news, was an article stating that METHADONE WAS THE #1 LEGALLY PRESCRIBED PAIN RELIEVER BY USA MD'S. Think about that for a moment.
Nonetheless, yes, methadone, helped me get sober and away from my then husband, who to this day isn't sober. However it was truly the HERB which helped me put my head back on straight. Opened my eyes, gave me clarity. 110%.
3. Getting HONEST.
A person CANNOT GET OR BE SOBER, UNLESS THEY ARE HONEST. This is fact. If someone is still a liar, even about little things, and tells you they are sober, they ARE LYING. It just cannot be.
Getting honest also means taking FULL RESPONSIBILITY for what you have done, REGARDLESS of whether or not harm has been done to you. Or, even if someone else had been injecting you (as is often the case). You still wanted it, allowed it, put yourself there. And you certainly aren't the first person to suffer in this life, THUS< it is not an excuse to harm yourself. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY, GET HONEST, to get yourself WELL.
Ok. So, those are my 3 fundamentals of getting oneself well.
Anyway guys, gals.....I'm just letting you all know, "where I am at." I am going to leave you with a prayer Father Arsenie Boca wrote. Please read it. It sure is APT.
pace, Ciao!
Lord Jesus Christ, help me let go of myself today… Morning prayer by Arsenie Boca
Morning prayer by Father Arsenie Boca
Lord Jesus Christ, help me let go of myself today, as I can create great problems from small and insignificant issues, and this way, caring for myself, I will lose You.
*
Lord Jesus Christ, help me so that the prayer of Your Holy name will wander (work) through my mind more than lightning on the sky, so that I stay clear of even the shadow of bad thoughts as, look, I am sinning every minute.
*
Lord, coming secretly amongst people, have mercy upon us, because we stumble as we are walking in the dark. Our temptations are closing the eyes of our mind, forgetfulness has become like a wall amongst us, turning our hearts to stone and all together have made the prison cell in which we keep You crippled, starving and naked, wasting our days.
*
Lord Jesus Christ, help me so that the prayer of Your Holy name will wander (work) through my mind more than lightning on the sky, so that I stay clear of even the shadow of bad thoughts as, look, I am sinning every minute.
*
Lord, coming secretly amongst people, have mercy upon us, because we stumble as we are walking in the dark. Our temptations are closing the eyes of our mind, forgetfulness has become like a wall amongst us, turning our hearts to stone and all together have made the prison cell in which we keep You crippled, starving and naked, wasting our days.
*
Lord, coming secretly amongst people, have mercy upon us and set fire to this prison cell, light up the love in our hearts, burn the thorns of our temptations and make our souls bright.
*
Lord, coming secretly amongst people, have mercy upon us, come and live within us, together with the Father and the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit prays through us with unspoken sighs, when word and mind don’t have the power.
*
Lord, coming secretly amongst people, have mercy upon us, because we don’t realise how imperfect we are and how close You are to our souls; and how distant we become through our sins. Shine Your light over us, so that we see light through Your eyes and live eternally through Your life. Our light and joy, praise be to You!
Lord, coming secretly amongst people, have mercy upon us, because we don’t realise how imperfect we are and how close You are to our souls; and how distant we become through our sins. Shine Your light over us, so that we see light through Your eyes and live eternally through Your life. Our light and joy, praise be to You!
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